A lot of things happened within the last 24 hours that made me sad, some that made me angry, and a lot that made me think.
My brain is spinning from it all, and my emotions are at a standstill.
I know a lot of people have a rough time on 9/11, and rightfully so. I am no exception to this. I am not saying in any way that anyone's hurting is lessened by what I am going through in my mind.
The traumatic things that this time of year bring up for me are admittedly tough. I wish so much to curl up into a ball and hide from the entire world. Alas, jobs and family prohibit such seclusion. I hate that I have to put on a happy face and act like nothing is wrong around so many people. It makes me feel the pain that much more. These are the times that I would honestly take meds with enthusiasm. I have, however, been without medication for so long. I am proud of that. So, wanting to escape behind mind-altering medication makes me feel so guilty, dirty even.
I am at a point of not knowing how to handle my sadness, or numbness even. I will try some of my tactics that have been left behind such as meditation and the like. I am not asking for sympathy. I never usually do. Hate to admit it, but sometimes...just sometimes, the sympathy actually irritates me or makes me feel worse. Not from everyone. There are a select few who I rely on for such comforts. But I am not sure it's fair to them.
Anyway, I just needed to get out some of what was in my mind. Thank you to whoever, if anyone, decides to read this. I will not openly post this as a tweet like I usually do, nor will I tell all my besties about it. But if anyone, close friend or not, should stumble upon this post, thank you for caring enough to read through it all.
My brain is spinning from it all, and my emotions are at a standstill.
I know a lot of people have a rough time on 9/11, and rightfully so. I am no exception to this. I am not saying in any way that anyone's hurting is lessened by what I am going through in my mind.
The traumatic things that this time of year bring up for me are admittedly tough. I wish so much to curl up into a ball and hide from the entire world. Alas, jobs and family prohibit such seclusion. I hate that I have to put on a happy face and act like nothing is wrong around so many people. It makes me feel the pain that much more. These are the times that I would honestly take meds with enthusiasm. I have, however, been without medication for so long. I am proud of that. So, wanting to escape behind mind-altering medication makes me feel so guilty, dirty even.
I am at a point of not knowing how to handle my sadness, or numbness even. I will try some of my tactics that have been left behind such as meditation and the like. I am not asking for sympathy. I never usually do. Hate to admit it, but sometimes...just sometimes, the sympathy actually irritates me or makes me feel worse. Not from everyone. There are a select few who I rely on for such comforts. But I am not sure it's fair to them.
Anyway, I just needed to get out some of what was in my mind. Thank you to whoever, if anyone, decides to read this. I will not openly post this as a tweet like I usually do, nor will I tell all my besties about it. But if anyone, close friend or not, should stumble upon this post, thank you for caring enough to read through it all.