Most of my posts are now taking place at http://beccadiane.weebly.com. I may occasionally post here still if it is character specific...or possibly move the whole lot to
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Since the SO and I opened our relationship, we have been far more honest and open about our feelings. This is definitely a bonus. I could never imagine my life without him. After conversations with him and mutual trusted friends, I have come to realize the true depth of his feelings for me, and his dedication to do literally anything to keep me in his life. I didn't see it before. At some points, I don't honestly know if I cared. Now I see, and I care. More than I ever realized I could. I love the father of my daughter with so much more of my heart than I did before. I don't need to hear him say it nearly as often as I used to. Now I just feel it.
As for what I am finding out about myself, there is a lot more to me than I even realized. Having sex with other men casually is opening my eyes to my inner self much more. I have found that I am much more interested in the non-vanilla side of sexuality than I even thought possible. There have been conversations with men (and women) that made even my eyes go wide...and then made me even that much more eager to know more. Every man I have been with to this point has been more than happy to follow safety precautions. It's not only my safety to be concerned for, after all. I do not want another child either. So, being cautious doesn't take away from the fun. It actually adds to it because there isn't that odd weight of not knowing. I am getting to know more and more people as well. Friendships are blooming. Surprisingly, men are more willing to talk and become friends during and after a casual sexual encounter is either talked about or takes place. Maybe there is a tension there that is no longer there after. I am continuing to view this as both the active participant, but the casual observer as well. I like to see this whole thing as a learning experience and a social experiment. I am having a blast on top of it. I am becoming a social butterfly. Imagine that. Me! Socially exploring. Don't even attempt to judge me, if you want to. I don't care. You may see me as a slut. Again, no fucks given. I am feeling far more free, far more beautiful, far more....ME! So any haters can take a flying fucking leap off a really tall cliff into a shallow river full of jagged rocks. Yup. That's about right. Be hateful around someone who isn't smirking as they write this. Oh yeah, and I am a celtic pagan....sex is part of my nature. BLESSED FUCKING BE BITCHES I have been thinking a lot more about the meaning of BDSM and true submission and domination. These are purely my views on the subject. SUBMISSION There is a lot more to submitting than just enjoying pain and debasement. There is the true pleasure in giving another person the trust to not harm you any more than you can stand, to give you pleasure through the pain. The level of trust and honesty and humility is more intense than most happy, mundane couples will ever come to know. Being willing to please one person in so many ways is a true pleasure for a submissive. To be willing to do almost anything, to give that much of yourself to one person. That is a true pleasure. One thing I have always accepted is that I truly enjoy giving pleasure. That was possibly a step in the direction of knowing how to be a submissive. Seeing the look of pleasure in a partner's eyes is something I have always sought. More than receiving my own pleasure, in fact. The pain is just a secondary point. A bonus. I won't lie, the book Fifty Shades of Grey has opened my eyes so much. The submissive will do things for his or her dominant that they would not normally do, simply because they want to see the dominant happy. Being taught to be more disciplined is also a bonus. Especially for someone who is so easily distracted. A submissive may enjoy pain to an extent, but does not want the extreme pain of a proper punishment. Because of this, they learn to change how they act to avoid the punishments. Some people may see this as an abusive measure, but to a submissive it is a means to an end. Truly being able to learn to please their Master or Mistress is the ultimate goal. If this means taking the pain, they will gladly bear the burden to see the pleasure on their dominant's face. The submissive may also crave romance and soft treatment as well. If they are a good little slave, they will usually receive just that. It is a punish and nurture relationship. Although, I could be wrong for some. Not all slaves think about things the same way I do. DOMINANCE A Master or Mistress enjoys having control and testing the limits. They want to see what their slave is willing to do to please them. They also want to truly enlighten the submissive in different types of pleasure. They don't always want to harm or hurt their submissive, but nurture them as well. Taking care of them is the overall goal. A lot of Mistresses and Masters enjoy the control they have, sometimes to the point of being possessive. There is a level of control the dominant person must have over themselves as well, so they don't harm their submissive emotionally, physically or psychologically. They want to teach and care for them, not disable them. They want to hear what the submissive likes and dislikes just as much as they want to show the submissive what they like and dislike. It is a truly give and take relationship. There may or may not be psychological issues behind the pleasure of creative pleasurable pain. Also, there is a very romantic side to most dominant people. Pain and restraint is not always the way they show their unique kind of affections. --------------------------------------------------------------------- This type of relationship can get quite intense, from both sides. There is the occasional obsessions that can occur from either side. This is something that has to be watched carefully. If the emotional connection becomes more than the other person wants, it can easily turn negative. If the submissive becomes entranced with the dominant, this can truly push the dominant away or make them unusually aggressive in some cases. If the dominant becomes obsessed with the submissive, they can possibly become too aggressive as well. This is another reason why communication is key between the two parties. Being completely honest about all of the feelings involved is key, just like in any good relationship. It is even more crucial to the success of a dominant/slave relationship. First, a small back ground for those who don’t know about my life.
I am 30 years old. I spent 9 years with my daughter’s father. We split up for good on July 6th, which would have been our 9 year anniversary. I have moved out. I made an attempt at dating another man, and it blew up in my face. Now, I am single. This time, I shall stay single. I have come to accept that I am a woman who would say many things, and follow through with few. I am not letting this happen this time around. I am staying with friends to save up for a place to call my own. Plus they needed the assistance with bills anyway. So it is a win/win situation. I am spending time with my daughter as I can. Having no vehicle limits my time with her drastically. It is just another speed bump I shall have to creep over. What is the main point of my post, however, has nothing to do with the “responsible” aspects of my new life. It has everything to do with the power within myself, and the things I want to find. I have always been more about talk than showing. I recently was told to stop talking and just do it. I am living as a single woman in the Show Me state, after all. Mostly, I just want to get all my thoughts out of my head and down for me to read over, and for me to share. The biggest goal for me is empowerment. I want to walk down the road with that sense that I am someone to turn heads. Maybe not for my looks, but my confidence. I am not going to lie down and take the loads of shit that have been tossed my way. I am going to stand up, head held high, and scream in everyone’s face. I am tired of being the one who takes care of others. This time, I am taking care of me. Sexually, my new views may get me called a slut. I don’t care. A woman who is comfortable enough in her own skin, and brave enough, to walk up to a man and be blunt about her desire to have raunchy, dirty, no holds barred sex gets loads of respect from me. I have recently been speaking to men about very casual, very open sexual arrangements. I am, unabashedly, a pain slut. I desire a Master on the side. I may have found one in the most unlikely of places. I have made certain things very clear to this person. Such as the lack of exclusivity. I am single. I may choose to let a man dominate me, but I will not let another man tie me down emotionally. I don’t want a loving and caring sexual experience. I want to test the limits of my pain tolerance. I want to reach new heights of nirvana through this. For some, pain and spirituality go hand in hand. In the past, I have found the beginning edges of the pain euphoria. I want to wrap myself up in that blanket instead of tickling my toes on the frayed fringe. Within every woman is a power waiting to be unleashed. Every woman needs to find an outlet for that power. For me, it is to rediscover my sexually adventurous side. What’s yours? Though, for once, I am not going into details, I must say that since Thanksgiving Day, I have come to many realizations about myself and my mistakes and my true place in life. I am not done learning, improving and growing by any means. I am also not running from things any more. Sometimes, it takes just the right person to show you how good you have it where you are.
Since I am not going into specifics of what has happened, this post will be much shorter than ones in the past. Oh well. Some things are not meant for everyone to know. Blessed Be to all. I hope you all find your own courage if you have not already. It's just around the corner, and while I am nervous as hell, I know I don't have to be. If I'm not one of the many, many winners listed by the end of it all, it is not the end of the world. I am excited to write more in one month than I have in a long time. I do know that.
Admittedly, my biggest worry is putting too much pressure on myself, causing me to hit the wall. I don't want to hit the wall, even if I don't finish. I just want to do my best and get as far as I can. I know there are thousands of people that finish every year, so that helps give me hope that I can as well. If you actually read this, feel free to shove as much support down my throat as you can. Figuratively speaking, of course. No need to take that the wrong way and kill me in my sleep. -chuckles- The plan of attack I have decided upon is this: Write for my many many characters. Keep writing for the characters, whether it be in tweet format, long style, whatever. As long as it is MY words only, and not retweets, etc. To all my fellow Wrimos, GOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT! WE ALL CAN! 40 - FROG - Cleansing
When Frog's chorus is heard, it generally indicates approaching rain. Symbolically, it implies a need to settle the emotional dust that prevents the stream of life from flowing in a productive manner. It promises to cleanse out Spirit by stimulating the release of sacred tears and the freeing of pent up emotion. Those who live in the Australian Outback look forward to the wet season because it soothes the earth, promising new growth and fertility. In similar fashion, when we welcome our cleansing tears we are reassuring our self that everything will be okay and that all will work out in the end. Instinctively we are preparing our bodies for fruitful new beginnings and the conclusion of emotional barenness and drought. When we journey though life denying ourselves of emotional cleansing, we grow numb to the possibility of change. We stop looking for opportunity and signs of new growth. We begin to see life as empty, sterile and deficient and we forget what life was like before the drought. When honoured, though, our tears hold the power to strengthen us and deepen our sense of self-worth. They help us to look at life in a bountiful way. Our tears welcome fertility and growth back into our life, but when they are celebrated. To deny them, or to see them as signs of weakness, is to guarantee a drought that will forever hamper life and any chance of emotional healing. Where is no love, encouragement or support there is no chance of growth. Without rain, there is no life. Without tears there can be no healing. If Frog has sung its way into your cards today, you are being encouraged to embrace your tears and to see them as a chance to rid yourself of emotional, physical and spiritual burden. Frog is reminding you to take time out for yourseld, to shun negativity and fear and to release emotional baggage. Frog Dreaming teaches us to welcome and honour our tears and to see them as a healthy way to cleanse the soul of pain, grief, fear and longing. It offers us the chance to recharge our batteries and reclaim a sense of balance and healing in our lives, thus affording us a fertile new ground on which to start again. Before I start, I feel I need to stop any excitement of a sexual nature. The sort of role playing I am talking about is not in the bedroom. While sexual stories may come from role playing, actual sex doesn’t. At least not in my experiences. Though I am only 29. There is plenty of time for new things. Back to the subject now.
Many people role play in many different ways. There are video games, storytelling, Live Action Role Play (LARP), and even internet. There are many, many different forums, sites and even social networks that have role players haunting their depths. I feel I must share my stories of moving through some of these venues. Video games, while they apply to this topic, aren’t part of this story. First and foremost, I am admitting that I was, once upon a time (and perhaps still am) a Dungeons & Dragons geek. My character’s creation is somewhat of an interesting story. See, I am a picky, picky person at times. I like to have unique characters. Anyone can choose a normal dark elf ranger, right? Not my cup of tea. Call me stubborn or call me a dreamer, I like to be different. I couldn’t find a race that spoke to me in the D&D books. I had a talk with the Dungeon Master and he agreed to let my freak flag fly. He handed me the Monster Manual. I read that book cover to cover trying to find the best thing for my character. If I remember correctly, the MM is in alphabetical order...and the race I found that jumped out at me was the Yuan-ti. Part snake, part human. I chose a Pureblood Yuan-ti Sorceress as my character. Sadly, that group broke apart due to an emergency, the DM moved away. My next adventure came about right after my daughter was born. The neighbors were younger by a few years, but cool as hell. We all moved in on the same day too. Awesome, right? I don’t remember how the topic came up, but soon after we all were moved in, including Morgan, I was introduced to Vampire: The Masquerade. I had heard of it when I lived in Salem, OR...but I never got into it until these neighbors. My character choice at first was a really cool, evil chick. She was of the Tzimisce clan. The clan type proved to be very difficult for a newb like me, so I moved onto other, better things. Clan Toreador. I am very defensive of my choice too. I got teased and tortured. There were story tellers that tricked me, and other players that called me names based on my choice. I didn’t care. I enjoyed having a character who was immortally beautiful and that took so much pleasure in everything she did. Though the art form was a Toreador chose was also a distraction, not just an obsession or passion. Next step: Internet role playing. This will be on a later blog. A lot of things happened within the last 24 hours that made me sad, some that made me angry, and a lot that made me think.
My brain is spinning from it all, and my emotions are at a standstill. I know a lot of people have a rough time on 9/11, and rightfully so. I am no exception to this. I am not saying in any way that anyone's hurting is lessened by what I am going through in my mind. The traumatic things that this time of year bring up for me are admittedly tough. I wish so much to curl up into a ball and hide from the entire world. Alas, jobs and family prohibit such seclusion. I hate that I have to put on a happy face and act like nothing is wrong around so many people. It makes me feel the pain that much more. These are the times that I would honestly take meds with enthusiasm. I have, however, been without medication for so long. I am proud of that. So, wanting to escape behind mind-altering medication makes me feel so guilty, dirty even. I am at a point of not knowing how to handle my sadness, or numbness even. I will try some of my tactics that have been left behind such as meditation and the like. I am not asking for sympathy. I never usually do. Hate to admit it, but sometimes...just sometimes, the sympathy actually irritates me or makes me feel worse. Not from everyone. There are a select few who I rely on for such comforts. But I am not sure it's fair to them. Anyway, I just needed to get out some of what was in my mind. Thank you to whoever, if anyone, decides to read this. I will not openly post this as a tweet like I usually do, nor will I tell all my besties about it. But if anyone, close friend or not, should stumble upon this post, thank you for caring enough to read through it all. |
Becca DianeThis is where my feelings will be posted. Yes, there will be the ocassional rant, vent, etc. I do however, plan to post informational, spiritual, and even celebratory posts. This is ME in all my crazy glory. Archives
March 2013
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